note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
