There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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