wrigley field is MILF paradise
We named our party play list daddy issues
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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