I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
