I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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