and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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