The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
