John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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