4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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