I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
