If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
