Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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