I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
