me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
