We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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