Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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