im having a threesome with these popsicles
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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