I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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