The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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