I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
this beer tastes like vomit already
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
