just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
