Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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