that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
