I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
