My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
