you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
