So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
