he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
