I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
