halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
