EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
