I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
