I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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