Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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