can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
