Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
