I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
