time to smoke my breakfast
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
