last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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