Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dicks are not precious.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
