a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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