I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
