My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You ruined the universe
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
