My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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