Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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