Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize