he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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