If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
