gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
