whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize