we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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