you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
