life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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