you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
