remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
