Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
They took my balls.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
