I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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