now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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