I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
