Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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