Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
