I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
