I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
