I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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