I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize