apparently the secret to your success is patron
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
